


Speaking Openly

by Oriphine



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Mild spoilers for Endgame, One Shot, Reader's gender and pronouns are never mentioned, Takes place between Infinity War and Endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-15 22:24:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18678547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oriphine/pseuds/Oriphine
Summary: It's been far too long since you've been able to speak to Loki, openly and with your whole heart on your sleeve.Now you get your opportunity.(Mild spoilers for Endgame!)





	Speaking Openly

The dim grey sky was a nearly sure sign it would rain.

You certainly _hoped_ it wouldn't, or the visit you were making today would have to be cut short. Nevertheless, the telltale whipping of wind around you offered little sense of hope.

Not that there was much left of that nowadays.

        Dry grass crunched under your feet as you traveled to your destination. There was someone you had to meet up with, a discussion between you long overdue by this point. Long had the two of you danced around seeing one another, avoiding having to face all the unsaid feelings shared between divided lovers. You were tired of it. Once you had been angry with him for pushing you away, and furious with yourself for not pushing back harder. But the time for anger was long over, you conceded. Now, you just wanted to talk. No matter how candid, how cruel, how heartbreaking it was. You needed to speak with him.

        The confidence that had driven you began to wane, however, as you approached the spot Thor had told you his brother was. Unable to find Loki yourself, you had asked Thor where it was that Loki had taken to resting. With glassy eyes he had given you the directions to this place, a solitary cliff with a rocky bottom a relatively short walking distance from New Asgard; nothing around but the crashing of waves and the open plains. You couldn't help but think of how it suited the trickster. You paused a moment, taking a deep breath to steel yourself before your cowardice drove you to run away from this; to run from him. With a renewed confidence you strode to where Loki lied. You stared at him a moment, intense gaze fixated on your subject, before allowing yourself to soften. There was no need for a cold demeanor here. You took your bottom lip between your teeth, gnawing it lightly while trying to figure out what you needed to say. Loki had always been the one good with words, after all.

        "...Hey." Well, not the smoothest, but it would suffice. You had gotten this far, so you might as well continue. "I've, uh...I've missed you." The lack of resposne from your lover was like a punch to the gut. You had assumed this would be the case, and yet your heart hurt no less from it. Since you were here anyways, you decided you would stay for awhile, storm be damned. Taking a seat on the grass, you looked at Loki a little longer, before absently twirling some grass between your fingers.

        "Do you remember what you told me awhile back? When I was upset because my magic wasn't working like I wanted it to, and instead of telling anyone it was going wrong I just bottled it up? And then after awhile I got so worked up about it that I accidentally blew up a section of the library? I thought that librarian was going to kill the both of us then and there..." A bittersweet laugh escaped your lips, and you shook your head at the memory. The ensuing chase had been a massive adrenaline rush, and you were sure the only reason you hadn't gotten an even harsher reprimand from Loki was because the librarian had been plenty terrifying enough.

        "After we had gotten away, you grabbed my shoulders and made me look you straight in the eye. You told me to come straight to you if I ever did something I couldn't fix. So, uh...here I am."

        The wind picked up and tousled your hair as you swallowed hard, turning you head to look away from Loki. Squeezing your eyes shut, you took a few deep breaths, and when you opened them once more you couldn't bring yourself to look at him.

        "I messed up this time, Loki. It's, uh...it's bad. Really bad. And I don't think that there's any way you can fix this one." Fingers picking at the sleeves of your jacket, you cursed the tears that began to fill your eyes, facing Loki again with a bitter smile. "I don't think there's a way that _anyone_ can fix this."

        The silence was eating away at your heart now, the strength in your foundation crumbling away and replaced with a hollow hole where Loki's own heart once filled. You felt a rain drop fall onto your hand, then another onto the tip of your nose. Wiping away a drop from under your eyes, you couldn't be sure if it was a tear or a raindrop, and a desperate laugh jumped out of your throat.

"Look, my love. Even the sky cries for us."

        Rain drops fell ever steadier as you sat, listening to the waves crash against the rocks and the wind howl around you. A distant chime sounded from a boat drifting toward New Asgard, and as your gaze wandered to settle upon it, your mind drifted to its crew. Who have they lost? Did they feel the same deep sorrow that crept into your mind at every turn?

        "The fault..." You started weakly, then cleared your throat to try again, "the fault isn't mine alone, this time. Although I find myself trying to blame myself for everything, regardless. It would drive you absolutely mad to deal with my moping." A fond smile drifted upon your lips as you imagined Loki having to listen to you whine. The way he would roll his eyes, telling you in a none too kindly way to suck it up and deal with it. How he would show you little sympathy, but still stroke your hair as you gave him a hug that you so desperately need. How you would take his hand and drag him to your bedroom, hearing only teasing about how bedding him wouldn't solve all of your problems, before you would make him shut up with your lips pressed to his and the closing of your door...

A sob escaped your lips before you could stop it. "I'm so _sorry_ , Loki."

        Tears flowed from your eyes unbidden now, mixing with the steady rain and dripping onto the grass. You voice shook as you continued addressing him. "I don't know what I could have done, but I'm sure I could have prevented something like this from ever happening. M-maybe there was something I could have done to stop Thanos. Maybe I could have tried to get a stone myself a-and kept him from ever getting them all. What if there was a way I could have killed him myself, and I never did? What if all this is all my fault, Loki? What if I could...I could..." You hiccuped through your tears, fighting to get the rest of you words out.

"What i-i-if I could h-have prevented your death?"

        Another sob pushed through and you leaned on the ground, trying to fight off the agony pulsing through your heart. Your hand raised to brush against the mossy rock that Thor had chosen as a head stone for Loki's "grave", the lack of body making it hard to set up a proper burial site. Desperately you tried to sense any bit of Loki's magic, anything that could possibly tie him to the spot, but it was silent. He wasn't here, just as you already knew. His corpse was drifting in space somewhere, and all the magic would be long gone. This visit was just a confirmation of what your heart didn't want to comprehend.

        "Everything is gone, Loki. Everything we've ever known changed, in the blink of an eye. Everyone is just trying to come to terms with what's going on, and we're _really_ not doing so well at it. Honestly, you would probably think we were all so pathetic." You sniffed and wiped pointlessly at your tears, shaking your head. "I would say you were right, but...I really don't know where we go from here."

        Around you the wind began to pick up, sending a chill right through you to settle within your bones. Tugging your jacket closer to you, you tried to find any warmth you might have had left, but you knew it would be futile. Your visit was going to have to come to a close. Nodding solemnly to yourself, you tried to reign your emotions back in.

        "I know that recently things between us were kind of weird. I suppose that was going to be kind of a given, considering our lives in general were, uh... _really_ weird." You chuckled. That certainly was an understatement. "But I hope you knew, even at the very end, no matter how things stood between us..." You swallowed thickly again, trying to keep your tears at bay for these last few precious moments, "I hope you knew that I loved you. That I _always_ loved you. And that I always will."

        A bout of thunder rolled above you, and you knew your time here was up. Pressing a kiss to your fingertips, you rested them once more upon Loki's rock, before rising to stand. Lifting your hood and shoving your hands into your pockets, you began your farewells.

        "I should be going now, I guess. Back to New Asgard. We're trying to pick up the pieces the best we can." You stared at the town in the far distance, grimacing. "It's nothing like Asgard was, that's for sure. We're trying to make it livable, at least, but uh...Thor is really not taking this well. At all. I think even you would be sparing him some concern if you saw him. Yeah, it really is that bad." Shaking your head, you turned back to smile wryly at Loki. "I'll try to help him the best I can. Enough for the both of us. And I'll try to visit you more often, it's just...it's not easy."

       The boat arriving in New Asgard was nearly docking now, and you sighed. "They're going to want my help. I really do have to go." You started backing away, not quite ready to turn your back on your love until you were fully finished. "I love you, Loki. Try not to get into too much trouble without me, understand?" A strong gust of wind nearly blew you over, and you scoffed, "I'm just going to take that as a sign, or something. I'll see you later."

        Tromping your way through the wet grass, you ran your sleeve over your face, clearing off the traces of your breakdown. While you still felt the pain in your chest, you also felt some of the guilt lift from your mind. You had got to say your piece, and for now that would have to be enough. There would always be a Loki-shaped hole in your heart, but now was the time to learn to live with it. After all, if there was an afterlife you were going to meet him in, you would never live down the mocking you would receive if you didn't press on.

For him, you would continue. And for Thor, and the rest of your friends, you would live on.

And for all of them, and yourself, you would thrive.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this prompt](https://witterprompts.tumblr.com/post/184578035746/you-said-to-tell-you-if-i-ever-did-something-i) on tumblr.
> 
> If someone would have told me in 2011 that I would still be in Loki hell in this, the year 2019, I would neeeever have believed them. Crazy how time flies ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> [I have a tumblr!](https://oriphine.tumblr.com/) Fell free to stop by and say hello! c:


End file.
